Lying Laura

I’ve never been so exhausted from working the tender hearts of the lonely before! Today I talked to a young maiden that lied to her spouse for three years. These lies were not as grand as you all may think; they were little details in a marriage that are actually very delicate. My caller, named Lying Laura, told her husband little things like how she loved the way his long, gray scruffy beard lay on his stomach. However, little miss Laura told her girlfriends about her complete and utter hatred towards her husband’s appearance. All day, everyday Laura would whine to her friends about how much embarrassment her husband brought her. Well, one day, Laura’s loving husband caught wind to these horrifying comments and left his wife because of it. Now, Lying Laura is faced with a difficult decision by choosing her husband who’s loving and loyal, or finding a new mate, based on appearance and physical attractiveness. This matter, I told her, was left to her. I said go with your heart, and hopefully it will lead you down a road of happiness.

Miracle Working

My life has been a horse ride up to this point. So many different couples needing so much direction. Thankfully, I don’t wear down, and am still looking good. I even was able to take yesterday off and go dating myself. The date was a drag, but while I was on it, I spotted another man. He was about 5’10’’ and 185 pounds and wore it well. So I decided to smack my old date to the curb, and went working on this new stud. I approached him and with a smile he said, “Hello!” As excited as he was, I simply asked him to come out with me. However, it may have been the wrong choice. As he picked me up in his carriage, he immediately began talking about his last girlfriend. I knew then that this would be more of a job than a date. I was able to give him a few pointers as to how to get her back. Besides, I had already gotten my way with him, and to be blunt it was rather dull. He gave me a bit of money for a ride home, and I was on my way. On the ride home I knew I just had to pat myself on the back. I could not only get a man in one night, but I could hook him back up with his last girlfriend just as fast. I’m just that good.

Bashful Bart

I can honestly say I have never been frightened to talk to men. Unfortunately, especially for my latest caller, not everyone can be as blessed as me. This man---Bashful Bart--- has a rather pitiful dilemma…he has fallen in love with one of his close female friends. Every time he talks to her he gets nervous, and is reduced to a stuttering mess. (This is the point when I just wanted to laugh and call him a chicken, but I had to bite my tongue and let him continue.) For this unfortunate man I was able to come up with a rather remarkable solution, not to toot my own horn or anything. My response to our blushing Bart was to tell him to compliment his lady friend. All girls love compliments it make them feel better about themselves. This excitement is then transferred to the person that gave the compliment …… This one time I met a gentleman in a tavern just south of Bath, and he told me how wonderful he thought my stockings were. I always wear red stockings and occasionally get ridiculed because of them, so this gentleman’s good taste immediately impressed me to no extent …..ANYWAYS, back to Bart. If he is able to start with a compliment she’ll be flattered and in not time her heart will be his.

Loss of Love

Alright, so I know this girl…Elena, and she has fallen in love with a man that she is traveling with. She believes he was her “knight in shinning armor.” The only problem is, he doesn’t love her back. They shared a wonderful three nights together, but then all of a sudden he stopped talking to her. She saw him in the village talking to the Miller’s daughter. Now she thinks that he doesn’t like her because he talks to this harlot. However, this is likely not the case. She is most likely just imagining things, and she should just try to spark a conversation with him. After all, being persistent is how I always get a guy.

Mary the Moron

It seems to me that I work so hard and never get rewarded for my intelligence and knowledge. Today, I had a woman mock my capabilities as a doctor of love. She went by the name Mysterious Mary, (I called her Mary the Moron). Now this Mysterious Mary traveled with a homely looking man and had fourteen kids with him. At night, our Mary left her ‘flock’ to find entertainment in taverns filled with drinking men. Her poor husband saw her leaving their campsite some nights, and knew she was doing no good. So one night, when Mary went gallivanting off to her tavern, her husband packed up his family and belongings and left without her. Mary came back that morning and now misses her children and her loving husband who never did her wrong. What should she do, you ask? Well I, of course, have the answer. Mary the Moron must simply track her family, and ask for their forgiveness. She must learn how to keep commitments and cherish promises. If she does this, all will be well for Mary the Moron, however contradictory that may be.

Bit By A Little Green Bug

My newest patient has a problem that is common to many people. It seems that whenever he sees his wife talking with another man, he becomes a little jealous. Everyone gets this way when they see their significant other talking to a stronger or a more noble man. However, you shouldn’t allow this problem to effect your relationship, it is just a tiny little bump on your road of love. There is almost no chance that your partner has any real feelings for this person, but is just flirting for fun of it. So, do not allow this to injure your great relationship. Besides, you know you do the same thing.

A Short Lived Vacation

Lately I’ve been receiving boring questions from my patients, like my newest inquirer. She says that her husband is getting lazy, and won’t do anything for himself. He hasn’t done anything around the house in days, so she is stuck taking care of the kids and doing all of his normal chores. Last week she threatened to leave him, and he responded arrogantly as to think she wouldn’t do anything of the sort. Well, I suggested she pack up and leave the children with her husband, and stay with her sister in the nearby city. This would make him realize how much she does for him, and he would have to start respecting her. Sure enough, a few days after she left, he showed up at her sister’s begging for her forgiveness. Your problems are getting less and less difficult, throw me a challenge.

A Hurtful Tale

I heard a very sad tale from a young woman today. She spoke of her relationship with her long time lover. It seems they have been having some major problems recently. Her lover goes out and gets drunk, and when he comes home he abuses her and smashes their things in an angry rage. I told her that she obviously can not stay with him if he does things like that, but the problem is she loves him and doesn’t want to end the relationship. She has it in her mind that she can change his abusive ways, and she was hoping for some help doing so. However, in my opinion she won’t be able to change him, and the only thing to do is to get out of the relationship before she is seriously injured.

Cheesy Pick-Up Lines

Your eyes are blue, like the ocean. And baby, I'm lost at sea.You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.I must be a snowflake, because I've fallen for you.I didn't know that angels could fly so low!If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together.If you have heard any of these ridiculous pick up lines, then you should know where I'm coming from. I don't want to sound full of myself, but I've heard them all. Although, I have to admit that some were quite clever, I still shoot them down. No guy will ever pick me up on a pick up line; I am to good of a woman for anybody to get me on a pick up line. First of all I think they are the most dim-witted things known to the free world. It is so disrespectful to try and use a pick up line on any woman. They are so derogatory, and when a man uses them, he shows his lack of respect for all women. Also, it shows that the man lacks the confidence to talk to her. So, let this be a lesson to all you guys out there, treat women with respect and just go talk to her.

Down at the Watering Hole

I was visiting the local watering hole last Wednesday, and there I found a old daintily looking couple. They were bickering over who ate the last wheel of cheese. I then realized that my attendance was needed. We all went back to their house located in the middle of the woods near Bethel Park. They calmly explained the situation over a nice cup of tea and biscuits to me and then proceeded to bicker some more. I let them go on for a couple of minutes that way my creative genes had time to get flowing. When all the facts were laid out I realized it wasn’t just from a simple wheel of cheese incident but more to the heart. The true problem was within their marriage in general. The man in this marriage had complete incompetence for his lovely wife’s needs. On the other hand, the wife wasn’t so forgiving herself, but seemed to be rather on the needy side. I explained to them their problems and told them that even in old baggy age love could still burn like a fiery dragon. After they worked out their issues in needs they rudely kicked me out of their house to relight their lost flames. Some people just don’t respect good honest help.

Cheaters

Today I heard an interesting predicament from an anonymous patient. The man had apparently been sleeping around with his best friend’s wife, and she had gotten pregnant. They are not sure if the child is his, or if the child is her husbands. He is wondering if they should run off and start a family in a different town, tell the husband, or if they should just stop seeing each other and not tear the family apart.Well, the best choice seems to be not breaking the family apart. If she is having mixed feelings about their relationship, then things could end up awful later in their lives. Or, if they tell her husband and try to explain, he is sure to kill his friend or seek action from the law. So, in my opinion they should just forget their relationship altogether. The child could be her husbands, besides, this route would keep them out of trouble.

Maddening Men

I have spent the last months trying my hardest to be completely neutral on the whole male/ female aspect of my job. But today was just not a good day. I accidentally flipped out on a guy who called in. I must admit, however, that it was not this guy’s fault in particular… it was just that…well I was dumped! I know, me…. dumped, is that really plausible? Unfortunately it is a fact, the guy in question is one of the men I am traveling with. He claims to be the perfect gentleman, but obviously even the most chivalrous of men still can be guided by his…ahemm. Usually I’m fine with this treatment and I’ve come to expect it (I feel that women can’t be used by men if they don’t allow themselves to be.) However, with this particular guy I thought maybe things could be different; he was so kind and generous. We spent hours talking, which is actually a first for me.For all the ladies out there who this sounds familiar to I am prescribing medication varying from normal.>>cookie dough ice cream smothered in chocolate sauce

The Mental Maiden

My oh my, another long, hard day of connecting pathetic souls. Today was an especially long day for the Love Doctor. I had a young maiden that was an overgrown lump of pathetic. The girl found the ‘man of her dreams,’ and gave him everything she had to offer, including her pride, obviously. She reminded me of myself back in Betewania. When I met a handsome gentleman named John Tilly. We had a long, meaningful twelve hours of bliss until he ripped my heart to shreds by leaving me to go back to his pregnant wife. Oh, the games that man played! Well this girl, who named herself…well I can honestly not remember at the moment so I will name her the Mental Maiden. The nutcase didn’t know what to do with herself, so I suggested a good dose of dating three men for one night. I must say, I have successfully transformed her mind into thinking she’s a Greek goddess. She won’t have any trouble picking up any companions now.

I think im in love

O My Dear two day i think i saw my love (not to mention my 6Th husband)he might be a little(the squire) young but the way he does his dance ( Crank that squire boy) i dont think ive ever seen anything like it when comes to dancing he might be the best and you know me i always have to have the best even tho he is young i still think he will be a great suitor for my future husband because he has all the qualites that i look for in a husband hes creative he follows that code of chivalry jus like his father he also has god in life which will be a big factor for me now that ive found this new found value in my life. well maybe when we are done this pilgrimage we can become sumthin special. but i don't know if his father will allow us to be together

How to Talk to Crushes

I've had my share of lovers and good friends, but we all have crushes. There is always something that holds you back from talking to this crush. This is perfectly normal, all you have to do is be yourself and don't be obnoxious. By doing this, you will more than likely have a rendezvous with this special someone. Now, if you get the date with this special person, you will have to look good and smell good. Make sure your breath doesn't smell, because that is a huge no-no. Also, make sure you're dressed for activity. Don't try to go mini-golfing in high heels and a skirt, this will cause a scene. If you follow these tips you will be able to talk to your crush in no time. Hopefully this will result in more long, meaningful relationships, and you won't make a fool out of yourself either.

1-800-4- Love

We all have crushes, myself certainly included, but what do you do after you’ve established that you like someone? How are you going to make your first impression as a potential lover?The heart is a very complicated subject and most are perpetually baffled by it. Not I, however, I have been blessed with the knowledge that you so unfortunately lack. Being the generous person that I am I have decided to contribute my time and experience to your oh-so pathetic love affairs.So don’t feel shy, I’m sure that your love life isn’t as hopeless as you feel. And even if it is, there is nobody better than me to help in your quest for happiness.